Monthly Archives: September 2016

The Number Of Dates You Need To Tell If You’re A Match

In today’s “always connected” world, do you ever feel like everything’s supposed to happen at the speed of light?

Well, when it comes to your love life, nothing could be further from the truth.

Truly connecting with someone new takes time – let’s call it “the speed of life”. How many dates you ask? Here’s how many:

  • A MINIMUM of 4 dates!
    • Not 1 date, or 2 dates, or 3 dates…. 4 dates (minimum). Why you ask? Here’s why:
  • REASON #1:  rarely are people the best or even true version of themselves on a first date. That’s not a bad thing, it’s quite normal – particularly if you’re feeling a bit nervous. In other words, if you end it after a first date, you’ll never really know if the person’s a good fit for you or not.
  • REASON #2:  pretty much the only thing you can really tell when you first meet someone is whether you’re initially attracted to them, which is important. However, the inner qualities – which are the most important determinants of long term relationship success – can’t always be seen on first, second or even third inspection.
  • REASON #3:  first impressions matter – who are we kidding – but to really know how you feel about someone you need to see them in different venues doing different things together with you. Go for a walk, catch a movie, check out a farmer’s market, take a day trip to the sunshine coast. Enjoying real time together is an important factor in relationship success – unless you plan on spending your entire future together sitting in a restaurant, cafe or bar telling funny travel stories.
  • REASON #4:  drop the disguise – yours and theirs – after a few dates if things are going well & you start feeling comfortable, the real you (and them) will start to leak out. It may even take longer than 4 dates (you can’t rush it). If you’re enjoying spending time together, and you feel like things are progressing, take as much time as you need. Relationships are the greatest investment you can make in life.

11 Things People In Successful Relationships Do Every Day

So, you’ve met someone special and you’re ready to start a relationship together. Now comes the hard part.

Yes, ‘positive dating’ is an essential part of finding your special someone. But if your relationship skills aren’t up to par, it might all be for naught.

Here’s 11 things people in successful relationships do every day to make their relationships grow stronger over time.  Hint: you should do this too. (Source: J. Haden):

1. They ask for help:  when you ask for help several things happen. You implicitly show you respect the person giving the advice. You show you respect that person’s experience, skill, and insight. And you show you trust that other person, since by asking for help you’ve made yourself vulnerable. While it’s relatively easy to ask for help with something practical, it’s harder to ask when the help you need is personal.

People who want a successful marriage are willing to ask for help, both because they need help and because they realize their partner will in turn receive a lot in return in terms of self-respect, self-esteem, and self-worth.

They get to know they made a difference in your life, which we all love to feel.

2. They’re patient:  showing patience is an extraordinary way to let people know we truly care about them. Showing patience–which is another way to show genuine confidence in the other person–is an extraordinary way to let your spouse know you truly believe in him or her.

Showing patience is an incredible gift–because, ultimately, it shows how much you care.

3. They set a great example:  researchers at Washington University in St. Louis found that people with relatively prudent and reliable partners tend to perform better at work, earning more promotions, making more money, and feeling more satisfied with their jobs.

That’s true for men and women: “Partner conscientiousness” predicted future job satisfaction, income, and likelihood of promotion, even after factoring in the participants’ level of conscientiousness.

4. They compliment, they recognize, and they praise:  we all do some things well. We all have at least a few strengths, a few good qualities, a few positive traits…and that’s why we all deserve praise and appreciation.

Think of it this way: It’s easy to recognize great employees; after all, they do great things. But it’s very possible that consistent praise is one of the reasons they’ve become great.

People who work to build a successful marriage sometimes see the good in their partners before they see it in themselves–and that can provide the spark that just might help their partners reach their true potential.

5. They allow space and privacy:  everyone shares. Everyone Likes and tweets. Lives have increasingly become open books. Over time, we’ve started to feel we have the right to know more about others than we ever did before.

That includes our spouses.

But sometimes we don’t need to know. Sometimes the best gift we can give is the gift of privacy, of not asking, not prying–yet always being available if and when the other person does want or need to share.

It’s not necessary to know in order to care.

6. They actively search for opportunities the other has missed:  we all want to improve, to grow, to succeed…but sometimes we’re too deep in the trees to notice the forest.

People working to build a successful marriage take the time to look for the opportunities their partner might have missed. They’re able to not only know your dreams but to help you work towards those dreams–and to help open doors that might otherwise have remained closed.

They want you to succeed, because…

7. They find happiness in their partner’s success:  great business teams win because their most talented members are willing to sacrifice to make others happy. Great teams are made up of employees who help each other, know their roles, set aside personal goals, and value team success over everything else.

And that’s exactly how great marriages work.

Every great entrepreneur answers the question, “Can you make the choice that your happiness will come from the success of others?” with a resounding “Yes!”

So do people who want their spouse–and their marriage–to be successful.

8. They’re sincere and genuine:  Lip service is easy to pay. Sometimes it’s harder to show sincere excitement when things go well. Sometimes it’s harder to show sincere appreciation for a thoughtful gesture, a kind word, or extra effort. Sometimes it’s harder to show sincere disappointment–with others, sure, but also with yourself.

People who want a successful marriage openly celebrate. They openly empathize. They openly worry. In short, they’re openly human.

Your spouse married a person. Be a person. Be the person you are.

9. They know that sometimes tough love is the best love:  I’m not perfect. You’re not perfect. We all want to be better than we are. Yet we all fall into habits, fall into patterns, develop blind spots…and that’s why we all need constructive feedback. That’s why we all need advice, guidance, and sometimes a swift kick in the pants.

It’s easy to make a snarky comment. It’s easy to frown or smirk or look disappointed. It’s a lot tougher to say, especially to someone you care about, “I know you’re capable of a lot more.”

Think about a time when someone told you what you least wanted to hear…and yet most needed to hear. You’ve never forgotten what that person said. It changed your life.

Now go change your spouse’s life.

10. They weigh the personal against the practical:  sometimes seeking professional success can impact the success of your marriage.

Here’s an example: According to at least one study, if one spouse commutes longer than 45 minutes, that couple is 40 percent more likely to get divorced.

(There are some caveats. If you’ve already spent five years or more commuting more than 45 minutes, then you’re only 1 percent more likely to get divorced than couples with short commutes. In all likelihood, that’s because you’ve worked through the practical and emotional issues involved. Plus, if one of you had a long commute before you started your relationship, then you’re also a lot less likely to get divorced than husbands or wives who start a long commute later in their relationship.)

Just in practical terms, a long commute might not be worth it. According to another study, economists determined a 40 percent increase in pay is necessary to make an additional hour of commuting time pay off in terms of personal satisfaction and fulfillment. A few dollars an hour more won’t make you happy if you have to drive an extra hour every day to earn it.

Factor that in with the potential cost to your relationship, and personal considerations could definitely outweigh practical advantages.

People working to build a successful marriage always look at the big picture. Professional success is just one factor in the happiness equation. Make sure you look at every factor–especially the health of your marriage.

11. They build a shared sense of purpose:  fulfillment is often found in becoming a part of something bigger. We all love to feel that special sense of teamwork and togetherness that turns a task into a quest, a group of individuals into a real team.

We all look for that at work…but where we really need to feel it is at home.

Together, create your own mission. Create your own vision. Decide where you want to go, together, and make a plan to get there together.

Few things will make you feel more like a couple than being able to say, “We did that.”

Go do that.

6 Great Pieces Of Dating Advice You Never Hear

If you’ve been single for a while, the dating world has changed a lot – in the past, it was hard to come by any good advice. Today, with the advent of online dating apps, everyone seems to be a dating expert.

But sometimes too much dating advice is worse than none at all. Here’s the dating advice you never hear, but should:

  1. The more things change… :  don’t be fooled by all the new dating methods; the basics of meeting someone new are still the same. Be proactive, be positive and break free from your comfort zone and dating success will soon follow.
  2. You’re in charge of you:  success in dating, and life, starts and ends with you. Focus on the things you can control (your dating attitude, being a great date, etc.) and not on the things you can’t (will he/she like me).
  3. No, dating is not a numbers game:  unless the number you’re talking about is 1. Find a dating method and approach that works best for you – you can be a heavy volume dating app user, or you can be more selective – there’s no right or wrong way to date.
  4. It’s whats inside that really matters:  yes in today’s image-obsessed online dating world, photos do matter (sadly, too much) – but the things that lead to relationship success can’t be seen only in an image. Get to know the real person, always.
  5. Being ready is the first step:  before you meet someone special, you need to first be truly ready for a relationship, not the other way around.
  6. Not all connections are love connections:  dating can be frustrating if you’re solely focused on meeting that special someone. Look at dating as a chance to meet new people and expand your social circle – added bonus: this will also dramatically improve your dating success.

3 Alternatives To Online Dating That Are Less Awkward And More Effective

Remember when online dating was a “new & exciting” way to meet new people. If you’re a busy single or professional, those days are long gone.

Yes, every way you meet someone new is a good way, but if you’re time constrained and don’t want to go on lots of dates that lead nowhere, online dating apps may not be your best option.

Here’s 3 alternatives to online dating & dating apps that may get you better dating results with less frustration:

  1. Old school:  since when did meeting people in the real world become such a big deal? Yes, Vancouver has a bad reputation as an unfriendly city. No, you shouldn’t let that stop you. Next time you’re out with friends, approach someone new (a single, group or couple) and say ‘hi’. You’ll be surprised how easy & natural it feels. Next step: repeat.
  2. Use what you love to find love:  doing the things you love can lead you to meeting people who have shared interests. If you love sailing, take some sailing lessons or join a sailing club; if you’re a foodie, take some cooking classes; if you’re a health nut, join a running club. In addition to meeting some new (like-minded) people, you’ll spend more time doing the things you love.
  3. Outsource your love life:  you wouldn’t buy a house or hire an essential employee without some professional help, so why does ‘do-it-yourself’ seem like the only option when it comes to your love life these days? Hire a Matchmaker and let them do the hard work of finding compatible matches for you, so you can enjoy dating again.

The Top 11 “Relationship Dealbreakers”

Being yourself is important.

But if you want a successful long-term relationship, there are two qualities that are even MORE important: being an open communicator with your partner, and being open to change.

In a recent study, scientists surveyed over 5,500 singles and revealed their list of the top “relationship dealbreakers”.

Here’s the top 11 – work on avoiding or improving as many of these as possible, and you can INCREASE your chances of a lasting relationship (Source: Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin):

  1. Disheveled (unclean appearance).
  2. Lazy.
  3. Too needy.
  4. Lacks sense of humor.
  5. Lived more than 3 hours away from me.
  6. Bad sex.
  7. Lacks self-confidence.
  8. Too much TV/video games.
  9. Low sex drive.
  10. Stubborn.
  11. Talks too much.