Are you ready to find your relationship, but not meeting the right type of person?
Maybe the problem isn’t your date – its the mistakes you made before your date even began. But its not too late.
Fix these 7 common dating mistakes, and get your love life back on track today:
- Avoid the chemistry trap: yes, everyone wants chemistry – but its not the most important part of true ‘relationship match’. Sometimes the person you have intense chemistry with is not the right person for you. Look deeper.
- Commit: in today’s dating app world, your next match is just a swipe away (or more likely, 1,000 swipes). The reality is your best bet is sitting right in front of you. Put your phone down and focus.
- Looking for someone to ‘complete’ you: expecting your partner to provide burning romance for ever more is an unrealistic expectation. The only one who can complete you, is you. Find someone who feels the same way about themselves, and now you’re getting somewhere (good).
- The past is gone: as time moves on from your past relationships, its easy to look back on them with rose-colored glasses – making your current connection seem less than perfect. Stop it. If your last relationship was so perfect, you’d still be together.
- The waiting game: waiting for that one person you’ve been obsessing over to come your way can be an exercise in frustration. Your best bet? Move on – if they’re truly interested, nothing will get their attention more quickly.
- Words matter. Actions matter more: its easy to fall for someone initially when your love is new & time seems to fly by. But if you’re finding, over time, that all the flowery words aren’t leading you anywhere (like that weekend getaway that never happens) – consider it a red flag.
- Mix it up: Albert Einstein said it best – ‘the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.’ If you’ve been dating the same type of person without success, take a walk outside your comfort zone & take a chance on someone unexpected. Your love life will thank you.
You may hate first dates – or you may enjoy them.
But here’s one thing for sure: how your first date goes will DRAMATICALLY impact your chances of finding someone special.
This may sound stressful, but its not – it’s simple, and it begins with these 3 dating steps:
- Focus on the things you can control: chemistry is a mysterious force – sometimes its there & sometimes its not. Worrying about it won’t help; in fact, it might make it worse. Focus instead on being the best version of yourself; let Mother Nature do the rest.
- Mindset change: instead of thinking of your date as a potentially life-altering moment in your life, just look at it like a fun chance to meet someone new. Doing this will make you FEEL less nervous, and LOOK more confident – both of which will INCREASE your chances of making a good first impression.
- Be the virtuous cycle: make every effort to enjoy your date – in particular, make sure your date enjoys themselves. This will make you feel good & increase the chances of a 2nd date (which should ALWAYS ask for). This will make you feel better & more confident on your next date, which will increase your success chances even more. Next step: repeat.
Sometimes, finding your special someone feels like pure chance: a one-in-a-million lucky shot.
But what if I told you that the key to finding your relationship is almost entirely in YOUR hands?
Well its true. Here’s 5 things you can do today to increase your relationship chances:
- Your sofa is your enemy: we all like the odd night at home watching Neflix – but if you’re single and looking to meet someone, its highly unlikely you’ll meet them there. Get up, get out, get on with your life.
- Beware the self-fulfilling prophecy: if you’re feeling negative about your love life – and even start complaining about it on your dates, its about to get a lot worse. Act as though your love life is about to get a whole lot better, smile and be positive, and just watch the trans-formative effect it’ll have on the people you meet.
- Take care of yourself – really: the single most important factor in your future success (in your love life, or anything else) is how you feel when you get up in the morning. If you feel good, life will work out great for you. And the reverse if you wake up feeling lousy most days. Get in shape, clean up your diet, learn some simple ways to feel better & healthier. Your future love life will thank you for it.
- Less you, more them: I get it, when you’re love life is stuck in reverse its hard not to make it all about you. But here’s the thing: everyone wants to talk about themselves – give your dates that opportunity and you’ll soon find your love life going in the right direction again.
- Find something you love, then do it: going to bars or online dating may not be your thing, and its not the best way to meet your perfect person anyway. Here’s a better approach – find something you enjoy (sailing, hiking, cooking, dancing, etc.), then find a group or class or event where you’ll meet other folks who feel the same way. When you start with something in common, you’ll find the rest a lot easier.
Have you been dating for a while but not truly connecting with anyone? Then its time for a different approach.
Maybe you’re trying – but here’s where dating is different from other aspects of your life: it’s possible to try too hard.
How you ask? Here’s 4 “over the top” dating mistakes – and what to do instead:
- Checklist dating: its normal to want to be prepared for your date, but when your date feels like they’re being interviewed it’ll be over before you know it. Put away your checklist and focus on having fun – particularly on a first or second date. There’ll be a time for a more in-depth discussion about your future together, but a first date is not that time.
- Stress test: sometimes you want so much for the date to go well that it looks like you’re going to pass out. Dating is like a reverse test – if it looks like you’ve ‘over-prepared’, it won’t go well. Relax and focus on enjoying yourself – if you do, its highly likely your date will too.
- (over) Dressed for success: you want to look your best on your date – and showing up looking disheveled is not okay – but you can also overdo it. Showing up in a fancy dress or a designer suit might just make your date feel under-dressed. Aim for a clean, smart-casual look. Save the designer duds for a few dates down the line.
- The butler did it: yes, you want to pick a nice meeting place – but aim for someplace a bit less formal and more fun & casual. Showing up at an overly fancy, expensive restaurant will put your date on edge – and make them wonder if they’re dressed appropriately (see point #3 above). In general, you want the true focus to be on you and your date – not your clothes, the restaurant or anything else. Free your mind and the rest will follow.
Some dating mistakes are worse than others. But some are downright “chemistry killers”.
You’re on a date and its going well, or at least you think it is. Then, all of a sudden, things change and your date is asking for the bill and heading for the exits.
How did this happen? Well, it’s possible you committed one of these 6 date-killing mistakes. Learn them – and how to avoid them – and watch your dating blues vanish into thin air:
- A yawning problem: I get it, you’re tired after a long day. But yawning on your date doesn’t send that message at all. Instead, it sends the message that you find your date boring (even if you don’t). Even if you do, don’t yawn.
- Distracted dating: checking out someone else in the restaurant – or chatting up your server – has one possible upside: you’ll soon have plenty of time on your own to pursue them directly. Good luck with that.
- Smoking hot (Not): just because you smoke it doesn’t make you a bad person – and if you’re on a date with a smoker, go for it. But if you’re not – or even if you’re not sure – put the pack away. And while you’re at it – consider quitting. It’ll increase your dating odds by 90%.
- Too much: on a first or second date, your best bet is to control yourself – stick with a drink or two, and maybe a few appetizers. Finishing the bottle (or the hearty prime rib dinner) can send a subtle message that your drink/meal is more important than your date.
- The sweetest sound: everyone wants to feel appreciated, and saying someone’s name is the best and easiest way to do that. However, forgetting someone’s name – or constantly mispronouncing it – will have them checking out of your date before you know it.
- Mistaking a chair for a couch: avoid complicated issues when you’ve just met someone – particularly any talk about your ex or the sorry state of your love life. Pity and angst are not attractive qualities – treat the person across from you as relationship-potential; not a potential shrink.
Sometimes, it feels as though your dating life is going well – you’re going on dates and having fun.
Then, one day, you wake up alone and ask yourself “Why are all my dates leading nowhere?”
Well maybe (just maybe) your dates ARE going well, but you’re screwing up the most important part – at the end of your date.
Here’s the mistake – AND how to fix it (and your love life in the process!):
- The Mistake: not making arrangements to see your date again (or saying you’ll contact them to arrange another date but never doing it).
- The Fix:
- at the end of every first date, ask for a second date. Don’t think about it / worry about it / stress about it / or anything else – just do it.
- change your dating default setting FROM: “I’ll only see them again if the date is fantastic” TO: “I’ll see them again, unless the date is a complete disaster.”
- even if the first date goes poorly, ask for a second date anyway. Why?
- because not everyone is the best version of themselves on a first date;
- because even if there’s no ‘spark’ on the first date, you may develop a spark the next time, or a friendship – which is great too;
- by treating all of your dates with respect (not just the ones you’re REALLY into), they’re much more likely to introduce you to their friend – who just might be your perfect match!
- Success in dating – and in life – isn’t rocket science. Its following up & following through.
Meeting the ‘right person’ is an important element in establishing a successful relationship. Equally important, however, is your own ‘readiness’ to meet that someone special.
Here are 7 classic signs of relationship readiness:
- Dating burnout: does dating begin to feel like ‘groundhog day’, repeating the same old stories about yourself over and over to someone new that you have just met?
- Quest for meaningfulness: do you feel an increasing desire to share meaningful moments with someone special?
- Future planning: do you start thinking about sharing the future (home, family, summer holiday plans, etc.) with someone special?
- Tired of the bar scene and online dating: do you start to think more about quality vs. quantity; ie. dating less but dating more compatible matches?
- More than just looks: do you desire a romantic partner that not only physically attracts you, but who also has other qualities that draw you together (shared family values, intellectual curiosity, education, etc.)?
- In your thoughts: do you find yourself thinking about someone frequently, and consciously making plans which involve them?
- Mutual admiration: do you admire someone and truly value their opinions on important matters in your life?
If you’ve answered yes to some or all of these questions, you are relationship ready!
In the relationship of our dreams, there’s only happy ever afters. In the real world, sadly, that’s not always the case.
But does a failed relationship hurt your future chances of finding someone special? No, it doesn’t. In fact, if you take the right steps, it can INCREASE your chances of finding the right match for you next time around. Here’s how:
- Love (and life) is a circle: don’t look at your love life as a straight line from sadness (loneliness) to happiness (marriage bliss). Instead, look at every new relationship as a part of an endless circle, complete with ups and downs along the way. The end of a relationship doesn’t mean the end of the line, just an opportunity to start a new circle. Let yourself be vulnerable, but commit to picking yourself up – ultimately you’re the only one who truly can.
- If you’re not failing, you’re not trying: its easy to see yourself as a failure when bad things happen, particularly a failed relationship. But the truth is, not all relationships are built to last. And just because a relationship doesn’t last forever doesn’t mean that it has no value. Cherish the good times, even if they’re in the past.
- Visualize relationship success: all good things in life and love come from a vision. Imagine what happiness means (and doesn’t mean) to you. As the saying goes: if you don’t know where you’re going, how will you know when you get there?
- Make an action plan: once you’ve thought about what you’re looking for, take some concrete actions towards meeting that person. That doesn’t mean you need to try every dating method out there; your best best is to choose the methods that suit you best and that maximize your chances of success. You want a strategy – and strategy is choice.
You’ve met someone new and you’re ready to take the next step – a relationship!
But what should you be looking for to tell if they’re truly ‘The One’ for you?
Well, there’s not just one thing. There’s 5 – and here they are:
- The same direction in life: its important that two people have similar goals and trajectories for their lives. When your both heading in the same direction, you’re likely to end up in the same destination – happiness.
- Chemistry: it might go without saying, but chemistry is a key element in successful relationships. It can take time to become evident, especially if you or your date are too nervous in the beginning to be yourselves, but it has to be present (at least a little bit to start). Don’t forget, chemistry that starts small but grows over time lasts for a long, long time.
- Looks & similar place in life: two pillars of a successful match are looks and status (ie. where you are in life). If those two factors align, it’s likely that the rest will, too. Matchmakers often say: “If people like the way the person looks, they will like the person. If you’re relatively the same status, you will be happy.”
- Common interests: maybe you both like cooking and share new recipes with each other. Maybe you enjoy hiking or hate-watching bad movies. Whatever it is that brings you together, there should be something that you both can talk about and partake in. Matchmakers often say: “They have to have enough in common to have a conversation and also to teach each other different things.”
- The intangibles: some of the traits on this list are temporary, and that’s okay. While looks, status, and interests can change, they’re still important catalysts for sparking a connection and bringing people closer together. But even before these things begin to fade, look for someone who demonstrates evergreen qualities like kindness and respect. Matchmakers often say: “You don’t really need perfect teeth and broad shoulders when you’re 70 years old, but you should be looking for someone that genuinely respects you and makes you laugh and is kind. That’s what we find are the most important traits to look for in a match, are really the intangible.”
Sometimes, your promising date is over before it even begins.
Words matter – in dating & in life – particularly when you’ve only just met someone. Saying the wrong thing at the beginning of your date can ruin what just might have been a spectacular dating success story.
Don’t panic. But DO avoid saying these 5 things when you meet your date:
- “You look tired”: the only thing you should say to your date when you meet them is something nice – ideally, a sincere compliment. If you can’t find something positive to say about someone new, why are you dating?
- “I’ve had a crazy day”: maybe you have, but the start of the date is definitely not the time to say it. If you’re making an excuse because you’re late, then you just compounded your problem.
- “The staff here are terrible”: perhaps they are, but saying this at the start of a date sends a clear message that you’re not a friendly person. And who wants to be with someone grumpy?
- “I’ve got to keep this short”: unless you’re scheduled for open-heart surgery in the next hour, avoid starting a date by telling them you’ve got other plans. Maybe you do, but the message you’re sending is that you’re not serious. After 20 or 30 minutes of good, positive & fun interaction, mention to your date that you’ve got to meet some friends later on, but would love to see them again. Then, do it!
- “Traffic/parking/the weather/etc. is terrible”: it can feel natural to grouse about a number of things when you first meet someone – but here’s the problem with that – they don’t really know you yet. So they don’t yet know that you’re a fun, positive person just trying to make light conversation. Keep it positive – especially at the start of a date. If you’re just not feeling positive – fake it!